Secretly Longing

Posted in i live life now blog

I'll admit it have a secret; a big one.

I toy with the idea on here, no pressure just random babbling random thoughts and what I'm thinking at the time comes out as verbal diarrhea on paper. Many people have told me that I am a good writer, they love reading what I write and that makes me uncomfortable.Why?

Why? Because I struggle with the thought of failure, that I am good enough to make this fly, that I can write down something you will want to read and pay me for. Wow. I wrote it down.

Step One: admit to yourself and others your fears to feel free.

Whew. Now that I have that out of the way what do I do? At one time writing was cathartic and saved me while I was drowning in health crises now it feel scary. Why can't I write? I want to write I feel like I have so much to write maybe it is the fear of judgment as well. No matter how popular you are in life there are always haters and why do we give them so much space in our heads? I know: because we agree secretly with them.

Step Two: start standing up for myself and being my own cheerleader by writing selflessly for myself and no one else.

Regardless of outcomes and praise. That seems easy enough but as some of the books about writing say, you can never shut off that little editor in your head that says: how dumb is that sentence, take that word out, make it wittier, make it funnier, smarter, better, longer, shorter, faster, slower.....ahhhhh stop!! So I've stopped. I will write. Write, write, and write. Cognitively, unconsciously, abstractly, factually whatever pops in my head todayly!! (Yes, I know that's not a word screw you little editor ha!)

As my path through life has meandered to and fro how I view life changes with it. I can't proclaim I am the same person I was even a year ago that I am today. I am my soul and that I now understand does not ever change it is the one constant in our life we can depend on if we quiet ourselves enough to listen to it. What I do know: silence is golden, stillness can lead you to a realization in the universe and yourself you didn't believe possible and we have it all wrong as society.

I now understand that we can dress a cat up as a dog but it is still a cat, its DNA says so and its spirit says so. The cat doesn't believe it is a better animal when it is dressed up as a dog it doesn't even care. As so should we be the same. Why is it we believe that when we adorn the outside of our bodies with stuff, or live in fancy houses that it makes us feel "better"? To truly believe in yourself and who you are you should feel the same in a paper bag or cardboard box as you would in a ball gown and mansion but we don't...why?

It has taken me a while to slowly let go of these attachments to self and ego and I am not there by any means. But each time I chastise myself thinking I don't look good I simply repeat to myself "I am". That's it. I am. Truly that's all there is to it. I am should be enough to sustain me for the rest of my life regardless of what I own, what I look like or what I have. I AM.

I am enough.

This is enough for now. Just writing small blogs and feeling free in my heart. I now understand that. It doesn't have to be a big project that sells millions but I will write a best selling book (how's that for asking the universe for what you want). This part of my life right now is akin to expecting to run 125 km the first time I run a race instead of gradually building up from 1 km them 5 km and so on. I will practice my craft getting more time in writing to create what I need in the future when I do write a book.

That's my secret dream. Feels weird putting it out there but now it is and there's no turning back.

 

I Live Life Now,

Lisa Stocking

CSEP-CPT

 

iLiveLifeNow Tweet!