For over ten months now I have dealt with a lot, perhaps I should let on more than I do the severity of it but I don't. Sympathy and pity aren't something I relish much and generally that's what I get when anyone finds out my situation. I also receive an overwhelming amount of support, which I cherish deeply.
Some around me whom think they know me consider me callused which I find quite amusing. Callused? By whose judgment? Am I callused when I cry myself to sleep, callused when I workout to release frustration, callused when I meditate to calm all inner thoughts that threaten to close my throat off with pain? Please explain to me exactly when I am callused because I don't walk around crying to everyone I see.
I do not consider crying to be weakness at all but I do consider holding it together to support others of utmost importance and how can I support someone else when I am a puddle on the floor? No, my time to be a mess is when I am away from the situation, usually alone or with very close friends and family. When your heart feels like it is literally being squeezed to death from sadness is when you become stronger. When one day breaks me I come back with a resolve and calmness for the following day to do better after all it is a new day.
I crawl back home after a ten or twelve-hour day at the hospital absolutely drained of life but guess what I do? Honestly, I workout, exercise, sweat, grunt and scream away pain by inducing pain to my muscles. Sometimes the intensity is not near what I would normally do but it is still my best on that day at that moment with the supply of energy I have. When I feel like an emotional mess the reprieve given to me from a workout simply fuels me to go farther for the next moment of difficult times ahead.
The time for healing myself will be farther down the road of life. I still firmly believe that you cannot grasp or process a situation until a year later minimum. This is when you begin to deal with what has transpired and this is not just with medical situations but also with clients that I have trained who have lost a large amount of weight, it only starts to sink in with regards to what has been accomplished a year or two later if you manage to keep it off.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy because we create what we fear and can't enjoy or recognize what we have accomplished. Hence why many people gain the weight back, they stop celebrating the victory and become scared of what could happen instead of getting out and living life. Myself, I plan to continue to live life in the future as it would be a huge disgrace to those who have suffered unnecessarily for me to stop living my life now.
Feeling helpless should not mean you are hopeless when you become hopeless you are far worse off than a person with a terminal illness still living with hope. Helpless means you can't change the situation which is very difficult to watch when you are a person who can help many but not the one you would give anything to.
When you are not in a crisis situation is when you should be training to get through one. If you think that fitness has nothing to do with real life you are so wrong, if you think it is just up/down and repeat you are mistaken. Fitness is building armor for you to get through the war that is life and until you realize there will be very hard times in life and you need to be stronger than them you will simply fall victim to the atrocities of war. But, after every war you wish for peace and that is what I focus on. Peace.
Until there is true peace within your own heart and life you get to live a kind of hell on Earth you have created for yourself unknowingly. I woke up this morning with such an overwhelming feeling of abundance and gratitude it was weird. Good weird. There is something switching deep down inside me other than losing something very important to me I am gaining something in it's place that can never replace it but they say you experience situations in life to learn from them and I hope I am a diligent student that doesn't have to repeat this lesson again.
Look for light in the dark and hope in the hopeless.
I Live Life Now,